There’s no place like home for the holidays…
Yes, for most people, this is true.
But then there are those of us who have panic attacks at the prospects of the holiday season approaching because it means the opposite of most of humanity… spending time with our families.
I can completely empathize with this, as I avoided going to the family Thanksgiving and Christmas festivities for years because I knew it meant “being phony” around a group of people whom, though related by blood, I did not care to be around because I felt like I was around a group of strangers that I didn’t know.
Not only that, but being the “black sheep” amongst many relatives with no tact or filters, I would often find myself being slighted, insulted, or put “on blast” in the most embarrassing way because I didn’t “fall in line” with the unspoken family rules about how life should be.
I am so thankful that the Universe brought people to my life who were like family that I could spend time around the holiday, until I eventually learned to stop being triggered and shifted my energy to stop attracting those dynamics.
All of us have an innate need to belong and be accepted my “the clan”, i.e. our extended families.
Yet I realize that the Norman Rockwell-like painting of a perfect family gathering complete with steamy cups of cocoa, a crackling log on the fire, and a room full of love, warmth and laughter can feel like something that happens to others, and not us because of toxic family members and other unpleasant dynamics.
And it can feel a lot like “holiday hell”.
Photo Credit: Alamy
There are several different scenarios that create that feeling of holiday hell:
- There is a narcissist or toxic person (people) in your family who can always be counted on to say or do something to make sure you, and no one else for that matter, truly has a good time.
- Since awakening, you no longer feel like you have anything in common with your family anymore and you energetically feel mismatched, alone, or like a stranger who must put on an act in order to make it through the event. This is most common among those who are on the path of ascension.
- There are one or more people who may have physically, emotionally, or sexually abused you as a child, and you still feel a charge and a sense of discomfort around them because of what happened because it was suppressed, but still carries a charge for you, even if it was years ago.
- You have changed your life so much since awakening that no one gets who you are, what you believe, or what you are doing or why anymore and it feels kind of like being ex-fellowshipped.
- Similar to 4, you are the black sheep (or “pioneer” as I like to call it) and no one is happy about the path you have taken, or what you have achieved, and it’s pretty evident.
- You are still treated like a dumb kid, even though you are grown, and being around your family never fails to reduce you to feeling like you are 8 years old again. You have a hard time escaping childhood roles that make you feel powerless.
Any of this sound familiar?
If so, I want to offer you a few nuggets of wisdom that will hopefully change your perspective so that if not going at all is not an option, then you can still show your face, and remain unscathed by dysfunction.
As stated above, not going is not always an option… or it is?
In the case of no longer resonating with your family, often times our soul contracts have expired and there is no longer any need to continue interacting with them, and it is quite evident. There is no need to “be fake” just to make things look good, and there is no reason to ever do anything or go anywhere when it is less than joyful for you. As we embody more of our authentic self, anything that is not a vibrational match falls away, and often times this includes members of our family. Don’t be afraid to just pass. Especially if there are other things that you rather do that are much more joyful or aligned with who you are becoming.
Be of service.
Set an intention before you go that God/Source/Universe will align you with someone in your family who needs what you know, what you do, or who you are. You might be surprised when setting this intention, how the Universe can use you as a conduit of healing grace, transforming what could have been a bummer into a blessings.
I have done this before going to events, to find myself seated at the dinner table next to a cousin going through a divorce who needed a loving listening ear, or a friend of the family who was just getting into the Law of Attraction who I could provide further resources. Going anywhere in the energy of love and giving always changes the nature of the situation.
When we are working on sifting our vibration and be-ing whole, there is nothing more disconcerting than being surrounded by others who don’t want to change or who are not changing, even if is is just for a couple of hours.
Toxic family members can trigger us in ways that compromise our frequency and cause us to react, rather than act from the calm center. Remaining in a space of neutral observer can help us to detach from the drama.
Stay as long as feels comfortable for you.
If I am not “feeling it” I will often say as soon as I get there that I am really unable to stay for very long, just so it is known that I have no intention of remaining longer than feels comfortable to me. If I have had enough after an hour, before dessert is laid out, or whenever, I can make my exit and everyone knows ahead of time that that is what is going to happen. You already set up your escape route.
If you find yourself in the position of black sheep, no one probably really cares that your’re leaving anyway. You know what your personal limits are in the situation. Don’t be afraid to assert them. This requires standing in your power and truly not caring what others think.
Don’t take insults and being talked down to personally.
Remember, when others are hurtful to you for no reason, it is a reflection of them, not you. And what is going on in their head is not your problem.
The only time it does become your problem is when you give your emotional energy to what they are saying about you as true, or take responsibility for how they feel about you or what they said. Even if you find yourself being triggered, it is showing you something important about beliefs you haven’t resolved or cleared.
If drunk Uncle Ned claims my dream of selling my screenplay is a stupid pipe dream and I am an idiot, then Uncle Ned can only hurt me to the extent that I am not secure in who I am, and believe I am an idiot on some level too. However, you will probably find 10 times out of 10 that that’s his stuff, not yours. Don’t own it.
When you are truly in the frequency of Joy as a constant state of being, you might be surprised what and who you can be around without it phasing you in the slightest. Joy is a frequency that serves much like a shield when around denser energies or high conflict personalities.
Or better yet, transforms it, creating pathways for the person in question to come up to where you are.
I have been stunned with how happy and pleasant previously problematic family have been when I have been in a state of joy, or how they seem to not even see me or come near me.
Forgive, forgive, forgive.
I am reminded of the words of Yeshua when he was convicted and crucified and he said, “Father forgive them for they know not what they do.”
And it is the same way when our families reject, demean, or criticize us, or are still stuck in patterns of dysfunction that we have transcended, or are seeking to transcend. And essentially all this means is that you realize that they are still stuck in their programming, and their behavior toward you is still based on the autopilot programming, and they are doing the best that they can based on where they are at this time. If they could do better, they would. Everyone has their beliefs about how things are and how others are, and if they see you as any less that the amazing Divine Child that you are… chances are they do not see themselves in that way either. This is where we move into compassion.
In closing, it is entirely possible to have a happy holiday, even if our families are less that perfect… or really screwed up.
It all boils down to standing in our power, being authentic, creating strong energetic and personal boundaries, knowing and enforcing our personal limits, not caring what others think, and heaping helpings of compassion.
Whichever you need to implement, know that you can transform holiday hell into holiday heaven, regardless of the family lineage you were born into, and what kind of shape it is in at this time.
And if you would like to receive a download through this special charged affirmation to assist you in attaining the vibrational state that you need to transform your holiday hell into holiday heaven, place both your hands on your heart chakra and say out loud:
“I now receive all I need on all levels of my being to manifest a most miraculous holiday with grace and ease”
Then take a deep breath and sit with the energies for about thirty seconds to a minute.
If you are subscribed to the 10 of Cups email list, please feel free to shoot me an email to let me know how this activation worked for you this holiday season!
Have a magical holiday!